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Sexual Abstinence

Definition of Sexual Abstinence

Sexual abstinence can mean different things to different people. For some, it is the decision not to have sexual intercourse (penetration of one body by another). For others, it is closer to celibacy in that a decision is made to withdraw from all sexual activity.

The motivation for these decisions varies from spiritual claims to health and risk reduction around sexually transmitted disease.

However, sexual abstinence as a concept can be controversial.

We see this controversy in the phrase itself. What does ‘sexual’ mean in practical terms? What are you abstaining from? Intercourse? Does that mean Outercourse is acceptable? Is kissing forbidden in true sexual abstinence? Is meaningful flirting online permitted when practicing sexual abstinence?

It is this grey area that tells us abstaining from sex is a personal practice. For those of us considering it, we have to think more about why than how.

Why we might abstain from sex is a very important question. It is this question that guides our search for an appropriate teacher or model for our practice. Choosing a role model is more difficult than we think.


How To Find a Good Guide for Sexual Abstinence

Finding the right way to approach this practice can be tricky.

As we stated above, get yourself informed about your reasons before you do anything else. Don’t underestimate this step. Particularly if you are going to abstain for spiritual reasons.

If you haven’t chosen this yourself, and you are simply going along with what your church elders, friends or teachers are telling you, your project is likely to fail. That means, when tested, you won’t pass. This will place you in a self esteem battle with yourself laced with shame and guilt.

Educate yourself first. Then create an abstinence plan.


Abstinence for Health

If you want to abstain for health reasons, examine time frames, and look at how you communicate this to a current or future partner.

Take a good look at what disease you are avoiding and how it is transmitted.

If you are fearful of transmitting a disease, contact a sexual health clinic to discover how to deal with the disease.

Many diseases are transmitted through oral sex and kissing also, so get informed and take control of your sexual health by getting to the bottom of these problems.


Spiritual Benefits of Sexual Abstinence

If you are considering sexual abstinence for spiritual reasons, again, you have to ask yourself what your purpose is.

The conversation around the spiritual benefits of abstinence does not need to carry negative connotations. Often sexual abstinence is mistaken for a refusal of lust. If sexual abstinence is tangled up with sexual refusal, it can be easy to tumble into an ocean of guilt and shame.

Sexual abstinence does not have to be about shame or self-denial. It can be a tool to enhance psychic and spiritual breakthrough. It can also be a way of getting closer to your sexual self.

Read more about Spiritual Abstinence.


Abstinence for Spirit

Abstinence can help you refocus on a creative activity.

Taking your sexual energy and moving it away from lust and into a creative project such as building something, designing something, writing something or learning something is another way to use abstinence in a positive way.

Channeling sexual energy into creativity can produce exciting results in short term creative projects. Want to write a novella? A piece of music? Design and decorate a room? Design a house?

Abstaining from sex can be a conscious decision made in order to direct immersion in a project. You can choose to devote seven days to create the first draft of a major work and use sexual abstinence as part of a spiritual engagement with that project.


Sexual Abstinence for Couples

Sexual abstinence can be a thing that a couple does together. It can be a ritual used when during a grieving period after a death or an initial connection after a divorce.

It can be a way of establishing a reset while performing other cleansing rituals such as a diet or a house decluttering.

It can be part of a cognitive ritual a couple performs to mark a transition from one state through to another. Sort of the same way as the honeymoon is a ritual of the beginning of the sexual journey together.


Unchosen Abstinence

Sometimes sexual abstinence finds you without you choosing it. When you have a low sex drive, or when under extreme stress or find yourself out of a sexual relationship before you’ve entered another one. By making a clear decision to use the time to engage in sexual abstinence you feel less tossed about by the world events. You ‘go with the flow’ rather than resist.

Sexual abstinence, when embraced, can be a very positive experience. Your quest, if this has happened to you, is to make it your choice by taking control of it, rather than feeling a victim of your circumstance.

Final Thoughts

Sexual Abstinence when practiced deliberately can, strangely, become part of a vibrant sex life.

You may be practicing abstinence without knowing. You may be avoiding sex out of fear. You may be abstaining because you feel anything else is wrong.

By choosing abstinence deliberately, defining it for yourself, and deciding what path you will take as you practice, you take sexual abstinence and you define it in your own way.

It becomes just another of life’s joyful and enriching sexual experiences.



Further reading:

Health Line

Planned Parenthood

Medical News Today

Journal of Sexual Medicine

Psychology Today

Transforming sexual energy into creative energy

Alchemize Sexual Energy

An Islamic Perspective on Abstinence

A Jewish Perspective on Abstinence

A Hindu Perspective on Abstinence

A Christian Perspective on Abstinence


What we do:
We here at AJAX Books are committed to offering high-quality porn for the discerning smut lover.
For us, that is written porn.
We believe in your right to get off, and want to provide the highest quality porn for you to use exclusively for that purpose.



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Supernormal Stimulus


Nobel Laureate Nikolaas Tinbergen was a behavioral biologist who conducted fascinating experiments on animals regarding stimulation and motivation. He found that key factors that animal instincts focused on could be overridden with the addition of something called supernormal stimulus.


This means that something that is super stimulating can affect even instinctive responses. Another way of saying this is that an animal will reject normal behavior in favor of an exaggerated version.


Tinbergen found that Songbirds would abandon their own pale blue eggs so that they could sit on black eggs with fluorescent polka dots that were so big the birds would perpetually fall off.


Tinbergen debunked the idea that either nature or nurture was responsible for our behavior. He found that both exist and that all behavior is always the result of a variety of stimulus.


This has consequences for those of us who love pornography. It is important to recognize pornography as Supernormal Stimulus in the same way that Superman or Batman are supernormal stimulus.


Pornography is essential to understand what stimulates and excites us, but is it not ‘normal’ and ‘regular.’ It is a form of supernormal stimulus that can teach us a lot about ourselves, but it isn’t a perfect model of our conditioned behavior.


We here at AJAX Books love and condone the use of all kinds of pornography. But just as Superman would become a problem if people started to throw themselves off cliffs, porn becomes a problem when it is presumed to be the gold standard.


Enjoy your porn for what it is.



We read the following to come up with this post. Follow any of the links to read more.

Sex sorcery and Spirit by Jason Miller

Human Nature by John Scales Avery in

Tinbergen’s four questions and variance explained – Sandeep Mishra in This View of Life



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Suspense-proof sex


Remaining calm at the moment feels like a pipe dream.


It can seem like focusing on whatever the biggest scariest thing in front of you is the best course of action in your day.


Working from home, current world events, and being terrified of catching a terrible disease are additional factors that do not help us stay focused on what matters.


This is where suspense becomes an addiction. You crave good news while you are semi-addicted to reading and researching bad news.


Real-world suspense does not help. It stops us from taking action. We keep thinking I’ll do it:

  • When the election is over
  • When I am not in lockdown
  • When they find a vaccine
  • When the stimulus package is out



And on it goes.


Suspense is better enjoyed in front of the television screen or inside a good book, (as usual AJAX recommends our White Flesh Black Market series) where you can project it onto something else. Somehow, grounding yourself in the day is essential.


Sex can be a part of this routine. Healing sex. Sex with the adult you are in lockdown with, or your spouse or yourself is essential to ground you, and get your head out of the suspense that the world throws at you.


Be bigger than all of it.


To read more about stress relief and suspense, start here.



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Achieving sexual goals


It’s important to have sexual goals.


We are all very entranced with what we accomplish these days. If you don’t have health and well-being goals you will find that these aspects of your life might never improve, may deteriorate in value, or may even slip away altogether.


Sexual health is no different.


However, the advantage of sexual health is that it can be used to impact other health goals.


For example, if you want to reduce your stress levels, take up a healthy daily masturbation habit.


If you want to lose weight, masturbation is a wonderful way to give yourself non-food related pleasure.


If you want a better night’s sleep, masturbate before you nod off.


If you want to improve your relationships, start in the bedroom.


Having positive sex goals can make a very big difference in other areas of your life.


If you want to achieve a new sex goal, such as branching out with different pornography, adding tantric sex into your life, or training yourself to orgasm in a fresh new way, you need to do a little research into what you want.


After that, you can break the end goal down into small activities that take you in that direction.


By focusing on a sex goal, you may find you start to reduce stress levels, improve your self-esteem, and get a great night’s sleep.



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Postitive self-talk


There was a lot of talk about stress during the US elections. People felt polarized and unable to cope with potential results or with other people’s online behavior.


One of the suggestions for calming down was positive self-talk. Psychology Today gave this example:


“I care about you and am here with you. I’ll stay close to you every step of the way. No matter what happens, I’m right here with you, and we’ll get through election day together.”


We immediately saw the benefits of this when applied to ourselves sexually.


If you have been dumped by someone, or feel rejected by someone or if you are struggling with any sort of low self-esteem issue self-talk is a wonderful way to bring you back to you.


Other people can’t ever make you feel anything. Stand for yourself. Love yourself. Tell yourself you are worth it.


Then masturbate! Give yourself the gift of your own body.



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No sex life? No problem!


Research shows that achieving happiness in bed may be as simple as imagining it. If you are feeling conflicted about any aspect of your sexual life, mental imagery can help. For example, masturbation is sex. If you are masturbating, you have a healthy sex life. If you are currently single, or between love affairs, get your masturbation routine happening.


Visualization is important for mental happiness and emotional wellbeing. But there is evidence now that emotional well being contributes to physical fitness as well. It may be that visualization actually improves your physical health.


When you masturbate, play around with it for variety. Use visualization along with your favorite type of pornography. It’s no secret that here at AJAX Books we highly recommend reading material (particularly ours) to keep your brain busy and active and happy while you engage in self-pleasure. However now is an excellent time to build up a pleasure dome of sexual websites, videos, books, and music that eroticizes you.


If ‘that’ girl or guy is pissing you off with their ghosting, egomaniacal social media, or whatever else, get them back by not needing them.


Get yourself into deep masturbation pleasures. Shake it up and shake them off.




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Sexual healing through imagery


Do you watch X-Men, James Bond, Charlies Angels because it makes you feel more powerful? When you are ‘down’ do you watch certain films because they make you feel better? When you are struggling in life, do you like to watch movies about people who overcome their problems?


This is not foolish.


Its an age-old technique used by spiritualists in practices like Buddhism that are related to using the imagination to conjure up images that relieve stress and anxiety.


For example, psychologists walk patients through exercises where they face their fears, go back to key trauma in childhood or examine issues of jealousy in the safe space of the psychologist’s office.


Also, visualization is a technique used by investors and creators alike to call forth new inventions, processors or businesses into the world.


These are also techniques that can be used in your sex life. If you are about to sleep with another person and you are nervous, play out the scenario in your mind first. But really do it. Lay on your bed, and imagine the small details, like eating dinner, taking a sip of wine, walking through the streets to the car. Get yourself all the way through to the bedroom, then imaging kissing, peeling off clothing, maneuvering sheets on the bed etc.


This walkthrough approach, or visualization spiritualists call it, can really help when one is getting over the nerves of a first date.


It can be used in any sexual context. Work with it and add it into your sexual self-respect repertoire.



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COVID Cuffing

COVID Cuffing is a thing.

For the uninitiated, cuffing is when singles approach dating apps to find a permanent mate for the winter season. In winter, people tend to go out less. They stay at home and make their interior lives work.

For this reason, it made sense to have a mate close by

Well now, Cuffing is a thing in COVID. Many dating apps have reported an increase in couples seeking medium-term relationships or intense short term relationships to get them through the COVID-19 Lockdowns that come and go.

We here at AJAX Books would like to remind everyone that Cuffing is a wonderful and safe way to do things and that sexual encounters can always be ramped up and deepened with a good book.

Happy cuffing season!

PS – Apparently singles are ghosting less also. Check out more on this here.

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Why masturbating before bed helps you sleep

Masturbation is more than just a naughty thing for sixteen-year-old boys to do behind their parents back. It’s emerging as an essential component of a good sexual education and a good sense of self-worth.

There have been many studies done over the years that have revealed the soothing and relaxing effects of an orgasm. More than ever before, researchers are convinced the orgasm before sleep encourages and assists with a good nights sleep.

Men claim to have better sleep than women after sex, but with all that we are starting to learn about what goes on in the bedroom, it is now presumed straight women aren’t getting the all-important orgasm during sex that will help them with a good night’s sleep.

This is another place that masturbation can help. If you don’t have an orgasm with your partner, perhaps he won’t mind if you make one happen yourself when it’s over. He might be able to learn a trick or two from you.

Of course, there are women who don’t have partners to consider also. Orgasming just before bed is a wonderful way to reach relaxation and have yourself a good night’s sleep.

According to the female-focused sex toy brand Femme Funn, 95% of people have a better night’s sleep after an orgasm.

Give it a go. And try one of our books to help get you to your happy place.

You can hop into the Femme Funn website here. Or you can read more about these studies here.

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There are more than a few people experiencing anxiety at the moment.

This anxiety can result in a loss of libido that can further impact our stress levels during the pandemic.

Blueheart, the online sexual counseling center is offering a free assessment during lockdown. We took a stroll through it and found it to be based in science, warm and progressive.

Therefore we wanted to offer a little shoutout to the website.

Check Blueheart out here.

We are not affiliated with Blueheart in any way. However, we feel that getting in touch with a professional during times of high anxiety and deep stress is very smart. It is also a tactic that many of us here at AJAX Books use and have used in our lives.

If you are experiencing any stress or fear related to your sexuality, go and take their free assessment.

It will help connect you to something outside of yourself and hopefully help gain perspective.