Outercourse is an excellent sexual style to add to your sexual repertoire.
Perhaps it is a catchall for the al behaviors you currently perform?
Either way, labeling and categorizing can help us add variety and choice to our sexual lives.
This can help people voice preference and it can help others understand that no penetration does not equal rejection.
What we do:
We here at AJAX Books are committed to offering high-quality porn for the discerning smut lover. For us, that is written porn. We believe in your right to get off, and want to provide the highest quality porn for you to use exclusively for that purpose.
Sexual abstinence can mean different things to different people. For some, it is the decision not to have sexual intercourse (penetration of one body by another). For others, it is closer to celibacy in that a decision is made to withdraw from all sexual activity.
The motivation for these decisions varies from spiritual claims to health and risk reduction around sexually transmitted disease.
However, sexual abstinence as a concept can be controversial.
We see this controversy in the phrase itself. What does ‘sexual’ mean in practical terms? What are you abstaining from? Intercourse? Does that mean Outercourse is acceptable? Is kissing forbidden in true sexual abstinence? Is meaningful flirting online permitted when practicing sexual abstinence?
It is this grey area that tells us abstaining from sex is a personal practice. For those of us considering it, we have to think more about why than how.
Why we might abstain from sex is a very important question. It is this question that guides our search for an appropriate teacher or model for our practice. Choosing a role model is more difficult than we think.
How To Find a Good Guide for Sexual Abstinence
Finding the right way to approach this practice can be tricky.
As we stated above, get yourself informed about your reasons before you do anything else. Don’t underestimate this step. Particularly if you are going to abstain for spiritual reasons.
If you haven’t chosen this yourself, and you are simply going along with what your church elders, friends or teachers are telling you, your project is likely to fail. That means, when tested, you won’t pass. This will place you in a self esteem battle with yourself laced with shame and guilt.
If you want to abstain for health reasons, examine time frames, and look at how you communicate this to a current or future partner.
Take a good look at what disease you are avoiding and how it is transmitted.
If you are fearful of transmitting a disease, contact a sexual health clinic to discover how to deal with the disease.
Many diseases are transmitted through oral sex and kissing also, so get informed and take control of your sexual health by getting to the bottom of these problems.
Spiritual Benefits of Sexual Abstinence
If you are considering sexual abstinence for spiritual reasons, again, you have to ask yourself what your purpose is.
The conversation around the spiritual benefits of abstinence does not need to carry negative connotations. Often sexual abstinence is mistaken for a refusal of lust. If sexual abstinence is tangled up with sexual refusal, it can be easy to tumble into an ocean of guilt and shame.
Sexual abstinence does not have to be about shame or self-denial. It can be a tool to enhance psychic and spiritual breakthrough. It can also be a way of getting closer to your sexual self.
Abstinence can help you refocus on a creative activity.
Taking your sexual energy and moving it away from lust and into a creative project such as building something, designing something, writing something or learning something is another way to use abstinence in a positive way.
Channeling sexual energy into creativity can produce exciting results in short term creative projects. Want to write a novella? A piece of music? Design and decorate a room? Design a house?
Abstaining from sex can be a conscious decision made in order to direct immersion in a project. You can choose to devote seven days to create the first draft of a major work and use sexual abstinence as part of a spiritual engagement with that project.
Sexual Abstinence for Couples
Sexual abstinence can be a thing that a couple does together. It can be a ritual used when during a grieving period after a death or an initial connection after a divorce.
It can be a way of establishing a reset while performing other cleansing rituals such as a diet or a house decluttering.
It can be part of a cognitive ritual a couple performs to mark a transition from one state through to another. Sort of the same way as the honeymoon is a ritual of the beginning of the sexual journey together.
Sometimes sexual abstinence finds you without you choosing it. When you have a low sex drive, or when under extreme stress or find yourself out of a sexual relationship before you’ve entered another one. By making a clear decision to use the time to engage in sexual abstinence you feel less tossed about by the world events. You ‘go with the flow’ rather than resist.
Sexual abstinence, when embraced, can be a very positive experience. Your quest, if this has happened to you, is to make it your choice by taking control of it, rather than feeling a victim of your circumstance.
Sexual Abstinence when practiced deliberately can, strangely, become part of a vibrant sex life.
You may be practicing abstinence without knowing. You may be avoiding sex out of fear. You may be abstaining because you feel anything else is wrong.
By choosing abstinence deliberately, defining it for yourself, and deciding what path you will take as you practice, you take sexual abstinence and you define it in your own way.
It becomes just another of life’s joyful and enriching sexual experiences.
We are all very entranced with what we accomplish these days. If you don’t have health and well-being goals you will find that these aspects of your life might never improve, may deteriorate in value, or may even slip away altogether.
Sexual health is no different.
However, the advantage of sexual health is that it can be used to impact other health goals.
For example, if you want to reduce your stress levels, take up a healthy daily masturbation habit.
If you want to lose weight, masturbation is a wonderful way to give yourself non-food related pleasure.
If you want a better night’s sleep, masturbate before you nod off.
If you want to improve your relationships, start in the bedroom.
Having positive sex goals can make a very big difference in other areas of your life.
If you want to achieve a new sex goal, such as branching out with different pornography, adding tantric sex into your life, or training yourself to orgasm in a fresh new way, you need to do a little research into what you want.
After that, you can break the end goal down into small activities that take you in that direction.
By focusing on a sex goal, you may find you start to reduce stress levels, improve your self-esteem, and get a great night’s sleep.
There is no reason to judge others, either harshly or kindly. What is more important is creating your own standards and then choosing to be with people who fall into line with them.
Love is often based on a deep, core belief that is fulfilled by the union presenting itself.
However, sometimes, you might be attracted to someone, but have this uneasy ‘feeling’ that it all might be too good to be true? Or do you feel that everything seems ok, but there is something you can’t put your finger on.
Research shows that achieving happiness in bed may be as simple as imagining it. If you are feeling conflicted about any aspect of your sexual life, mental imagery can help. For example, masturbation is sex. If you are masturbating, you have a healthy sex life. If you are currently single, or between love affairs, get your masturbation routine happening.
Visualization is important for mental happiness and emotional wellbeing. But there is evidence now that emotional well being contributes to physical fitness as well. It may be that visualization actually improves your physical health.
When you masturbate, play around with it for variety. Use visualization along with your favorite type of pornography. It’s no secret that here at AJAX Books we highly recommend reading material (particularly ours) to keep your brain busy and active and happy while you engage in self-pleasure. However now is an excellent time to build up a pleasure dome of sexual websites, videos, books, and music that eroticizes you.
If ‘that’ girl or guy is pissing you off with their ghosting, egomaniacal social media, or whatever else, get them back by not needing them.
Get yourself into deep masturbation pleasures. Shake it up and shake them off.
Do you watch X-Men, James Bond, Charlies Angels because it makes you feel more powerful? When you are ‘down’ do you watch certain films because they make you feel better? When you are struggling in life, do you like to watch movies about people who overcome their problems?
This is not foolish.
Its an age-old technique used by spiritualists in practices like Buddhism that are related to using the imagination to conjure up images that relieve stress and anxiety.
For example, psychologists walk patients through exercises where they face their fears, go back to key trauma in childhood or examine issues of jealousy in the safe space of the psychologist’s office.
Also, visualization is a technique used by investors and creators alike to call forth new inventions, processors or businesses into the world.
These are also techniques that can be used in your sex life. If you are about to sleep with another person and you are nervous, play out the scenario in your mind first. But really do it. Lay on your bed, and imagine the small details, like eating dinner, taking a sip of wine, walking through the streets to the car. Get yourself all the way through to the bedroom, then imaging kissing, peeling off clothing, maneuvering sheets on the bed etc.
This walkthrough approach, or visualization spiritualists call it, can really help when one is getting over the nerves of a first date.
It can be used in any sexual context. Work with it and add it into your sexual self-respect repertoire.
These days we are all about getting to know an awful lot about what people are doing in their bedrooms. We know more about Queer lifestyles and alternate romantic and sexual lifestyles than we have for decades.
What used to be secretive and titillating has become fascinating and liberating. The Queer community have led us to a broader acceptance of difference, and this in turn has helped all of us think of sexuality beyond the reduced functionality of reproduction.
An interesting article in Psychology Today highlights open relationships and some of the emotional struggles that those inside the open relationship experience. Comparative insecurity becomes a sophisticated delving into the connections we make with our lovers.
When we fall in love, we choose our mate and decide inside ourselves that no one will ever come close to the perfection they are. For those in monogamous relationships, you might spend a lot of time in your life justifying that choice.
Open relationships don’t necessarily change this. IN an open relationship, taking a lover that is nothing like your life partner is understandable. It is when your partner chooses someone very similar to you that certain insecurities can rise up.
Even age isn’t necessarily a big deal. An older couple can understand why each of them might want to enjoy sexual congress with a younger body. But if your mate chooses someone in the same age bracket or older, what are they looking for that you can’t provide?
Open relationships are wonderful and exciting, but they contain their own challenges.
We found the following statistics from the Match survey to be very interesting.
Number of sex partners: Of those who had sex during the pandemic, 16% had it with just one partner, 5% had two partners, 3% had three and 5% had four or more.
Politics: 30% of singles think that debating political issues with a date is sexy. But more independents enjoy debating politics (46%) compared to Democrats (33%) and Republicans (29%).
Interracial dating: 24% of singles are now more open to dating someone of a different race or ethnicity since the killing of George Floyd and the ongoing protests for racial justice.
Black Lives Matter: 59% of singles want to know if their date supports Black Lives Matter.
Video dating: 19% of singles video-dated during the pandemic. Of those who did so, 59% said they had more meaningful conversations while 63% became less worried about their appearance when video dating.
Masturbation: 16% of singles overall said they masturbated more frequently.
Breakups: 26% of singles broke up during lockdown, and 22% of singles lost contact with a potential date.
It’s probably no surprise that dating has changed significantly in the pandemic. However, it seems that issues like the U.S. election and the Black Lives Matter marches have made almost as great an impact. It’s also good to see that interracial dating is up and also that people are more willing to video date. We have a lot of video in our lives now, and we are finding it brings people together. We can’t help but think it’s a good thing.
Still, we can’t wait till we can all get together again at the local or a wine bar. And of course, more than anything we hope that people will stop getting sick from this terrible disease.